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The
ABC's of Men Who Batter
Abused as children
Most batterers were beaten, verbally abused, or sexually abused as children.
The majority of batterers also were "under-fathered," i.e. they
had fathers who neglected or rejected them, or fathers whom they could
never please. Treated like objects, batterers were taught, by example,
specific techniques to hurt and humiliate others. In addition, batterers
learned that violence is "normal" in families: they were taught
that bigger people get to hit and abuse smaller people. In turn, batterers
discipline their children with violence, thus perpetuating the cycle of
abuse.
Believe in traditional sex roles
Batterers hold to traditional sex roles (macho men, subservient women).
They believe that a woman is there to take care of them, feed them, bear
their children, keep their house clean, accept their infidelities, and
tolerate their drinking. Batterers believe that women should be disciplined
if they "disobey their husband" or "forget their place."
Abusive men often talk about their rights as husbands and their role as
head of the family. They believe that their wives are theirs to do as
they wish. Batterers also hold attitudes consistent with male privilege
such as, "a little slap will do her good" or "I'll show
her who's boss" or "what she needs is for someone to teach her
a good lesson."
Controlling
Battering is purposefully controlling behavior by someone who wants total
control. A man who batters may control where his spouse goes, who she
sees, what she reads, when she eats, and what she buys. He may monitor
her phone calls, mileage, clothing and make-up. A batterer fears abandonment,
and therefore, he tries to control his mate's actions by controlling the
money and by limiting her access to family and friends. These men control
their partners in order to feel like they have some control in their lives
and some power in the world. Their need to dominate stems from a need
to reassure themselves that they are special, valued by others, and worthy
of appreciation - all things they did not get as children. A batterer's
fear of not being in control is also related to the fear of death or injury
he experienced as a child in a violent home.
Deny, minimize and blame
A batterer does not want to be responsible for his violent actions or
for the harm he causes. Abusive men learn to deny wrong doing, minimize
injury and blame others. Men who batter will blame others for their actions
and say things like, "If she didn't want a beating, why did she interrupt
me when I was on the phone?" or "She knew not to disrespect
me in public" or "You're really asking for it when you make
me crazy like this" or "I don't get this way with anyone else.
It's your fault." Batterers will also deny hurting their partners
with comments like "She tripped and fell" or "I was swinging
at the air and she walked into it" or "I was just trying to
push her away" or "She's fair skinned and bruises easily."
Finally, batterers will minimize their violent actions
with excuses like "It was just a bump" or "I just twisted
her arm a bit" or "I only slapped her a couple of times last
year" or "Compared to what some other men do it's not so bad."
A batterer also may say "I didn't know what I was doing" or
"I was out of control" as if someone else was responsible. In
reality, battering is target specific: the batterer aimed at his spouse,
not the mailman or the grocer, and he even may have aimed for specific
parts of her body.
Emotionally abusive
Battering is not limited to physical abuse. Emotional abuse may include
repeatedly criticizing his spouse: shouting at her, swearing at her, putting
down her opinions, blaming or shaming her, making her feel stupid, treating
her like a servant, accusing her unjustly, undermining her self-confidence,
calling her names, insulting her family, embarrassing her in front of
others, withholding encouragement, flirting openly or having affairs,
and not discussing events which damage the relationship.
Feel powerless
Batterers are actually frightened men who are afraid to be alone in the
world. Like marshmallows, they are crusty on the outside but soft (scared
and insecure) on the inside. Feeling powerless as children, batterers
learned how to bully and dominate in order to feel less afraid and avoid
being victimized any further.
Grew up with violence
Batterers learned early on that they could gain control and get power
by throwing things or by raising their voice. Violence became an acceptable
way to express their emotions or get what they wanted. Slapping, punching,
etc. became normal, taken-for-granted ways for spouses to relate to one
another and to resolve conflicts. They also learned early on, by example,
that men get to hit and that women tolerate it.
Have a negative belief system about women
Batterers lump all women together and do not see women as individuals.
In addition, they have negative stereotypes about women such as: "all
women are manipulative" or "all women see men as paychecks."
Batterers also dismiss women's ideas and opinions. Furthermore, they believe
that a man must control his woman or she will control him.
Insecure
Abusive men have a deeply rooted fear that they are inadequate. They don't
believe they have a lot to offer. Batterers are unhappy with who they
are and see themselves as failing to live up to their image of manhood.
All of their bullying and intimidation serve as a smoke-screen to keep
others from seeing how insecure they really feel. Their violence is controlling
behavior designed to keep themselves from feeling inadequate and powerless.
Batterers are actually very lonely, alienated men.
Jealous
Batterers tend to be extremely jealous and have difficulty trusting others.
They believe that jealousy is natural in men.
Kill or torture what they cannot possess
In the worst cases, battering involves extreme physical or mental cruelty,
such as tying up the woman's hands and feet; beating her so badly that
the batterer breaks a shotgun in three pieces; stabbing her repeatedly
so that she requires hundreds of stitches; cutting her throat; fracturing
the roof of her mouth; and making cigarette burns on her breasts. Other
batterers stalk and kill what they can no longer possess. These tragedies
are usually portrayed as crimes of passion caused by the man's intense
"love" for and inability to live without the woman. However,
murder is actually the ultimate expression of the batterer's need to control
the woman.
Lack relationship skills
Men who batter have had very poor role models for important relationship
skills such as problem solving, conflict resolution, and establishing
intimacy with a partner. If they do not learn new skills, batterers tend
to repeat the destructive patterns which they observed in their respective
families. Batterers don't know how to ask directly for what they need.
They also do not know how to tell their partners that they are not feeling
appreciated or that they are not feeling heard. Batterers have poor skills
to resolve differences over money, disciplining the children, etc; without
intervention these areas often become major battlegrounds. It is important
to note, also, that in the content of an unequal and violent relationship,
the woman is usually discounted and unable to be more assertive. And,
with both parties unable to express themselves effectively, little communication
or conflict resolution occurs in battering relationships.
Master manipulators
A batterer is someone who knows exactly how to convince his partner to
feel sorry for him. He becomes very skilled at telling his partner exactly
what she wants to hear. He will beg and plead and promise and say all
the right things. The batterer's worst fear is that his partner will leave,
and he tries to be charming enough to make sure this doesn't happen. Just
as his violence was overblown so are his apologies and gifts. However,
unless the batterer is made to be accountable for his violence and unless
he becomes committed to personal change, his manipulation and his abusive
behavior will not end.
Not able to nurture
Batterers have difficulty giving and receiving love. They find it hard
to make themselves vulnerable and, without treatment, they are not able
to empathize with their spouse's pain.
Overly dependent on their spouses
Batterers become overly dependent on their partners for their unmet emotional
needs. They seek from their mates the nurturing and security they did
not receive as children. When his mate cannot meet his needs, the batterer
becomes frustrated. As one man put it, "I felt I needed her to 'make'
me happy; if I wasn't happy, I thought it was her fault."
Prior history of violence
If you listen carefully, you might hear a batterer's friend say that he
is frequently "moody" or "has a hot temper." He may
have a history of being a bully at work or school. He may also have an
obvious or subtle track record of mistreating other women. If a man's
anger is out of proportion or if he acts impulsively when he is angry,
e.g., by punching walls, throwing things, or breaking objects, these signs
say that he needs professional help to control his rage and express his
anger in non-violent ways.
Quickly change from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde
Batterers can be extremely passive and very charming one minute and explode
in anger the next. The violence can be triggered if he feels threatened,
shamed, powerless, or humiliated. Drugs or alcohol are often used as an
excuse for "losing control" or "going off."
Regard spouses as easy targets
Most batterers would not think of doing to other men what they do to their
spouses. A batterer knows he can easily vent his anger on his spouse in
the privacy of his own home and that she probably won't tell anyone. A
female partner is most likely someone smaller and weaker, someone who
is economically dependent on him, someone who cares about him, and someone
whom he can bully into not going to the police. If he intimidates her
sufficiently, and she doesn't tell anyone, he knows he can get away with
abusing her.
Self-centered
Batterers lack consideration for others. As one batterer put it, "I
had the 'Do what I want, when I want, why I want, and because I want'
syndrome."
Try to punish and control with subtle forms of
abuse
Batterers often use subtle forms of abuse to punish, humiliate, and control
their partners. A batterer may say things to create fear such as: "If
you EVER gain weight, I will leave you." or "If you EVER let
the housework go, you'll be sorry." In addition, a batterer's verbal
abuse and criticism often become chronic. He will repeatedly complain
about the way his spouse takes care of him or the children, and he will
find other things wrong - even after his partner has turned herself inside
out to lose weight, stay within the budget, cook his favorite foods, etc.
A batterer feels so small inside (i.e., he has such low self-esteem),
that he will repeatedly put his spouse and/or children down in order to
feel more important or feel better about himself.
You must follow his orders and do things to his
satisfaction - or else
As one battered woman put it, "You have to follow his commands, take
his shoes off, stay away from his electronic equipment, heat his dinner,
NOW, or else, like he was king and this was his domain and everybody else
in the family were little ants made to serve him." Batterers will
beat or verbally abuse their mates for things like forgetting to put the
butter on the table, burning the meat, not ironing the shirts correctly,
not sewing clothes to his satisfaction, making scrambled eggs instead
of eggs over-easy, serving limp lettuce on a sandwich, or not getting
dressed fast enough.
Zeroes in on spouses' vulnerabilities
Men who batter often betray the trust of their spouses and break their
confidences. They are skilled at knowing how to use their mates' vulnerabilities
against them.
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