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Actions
to consider
When there are indicators, ask if they are being
hurt at home.
Survivors of domestic abuse are less likely to come in and
disclose abuse; they are more likely to come for counseling stating they
have stress or marital relationship problems. It is very important to
ask a specific question defining forms of abuse providing an opening for
the person to share, if not at that point perhaps at a later date. (See
"Asking a question: Is your partner
hurting you?")
Be an active listener.
- Listen thoughtfully with empathy.
- Believe what you are told. Generally survivors initially
share the minimal story. They fear not being believed, particularly
if the abuser is a pillar of the church. Your belief of the story at
this point is more important than giving theological answers which may
not meet the survivor's human needs and may be better said when the
person is not in crisis.
- Avoid showing shock or horror over what you are told,
this can cause the survivor to feel more shame and embarrassment.
Be respectful, nonjudgmental, supportive.
- Respond without assigning blame.
Avoid shaming.
Affirm the survivor's feelings.
Examples:
- "You do not deserve this treatment."
- "You did not cause this to happen to you."
- "I am so sorry this is happening to you."
- "You are a good person."
- "You have a right to be treasured."
- "It must have taken a lot of courage to share this
with me."
- "I am concerned for your safety and the safety of
your children."
- "I am here for you when you are ready to seek help
or make a change."
Unequivocally challenge violence.
- State clearly that violence is not acceptable.
- Never say anything that suggests an accusation such
as, "What did you do to cause this?"
Provide the survivor with any
of the following options: Remember the survivor must make the decisions
- Call a crisis line.
- Contact a domestic abuse advocacy agency. Services are
free and confidential, with no strings attached; survivors make their
own decisions. Advocates are well versed in options available and legalities.
Many agencies have 24 hour crisis lines.
- Report physical or sexual abuse to law enforcement.
- If the survivor is a male: there are services for men
but they are not as prevalent. Most community domestic abuse agencies
will provide phone crisis counseling and referral resources to males
as well as females. Homosexual males may be best served by a gay, lesbian,
bisexual transgender agency (GLBT).
- Seek individual counseling.
- Seek counsel from clergy.
- Develop a safety plan.
- Join a support group.
- Call law enforcement to report abuse and/or file an
order for protection.
- Help identify sources of economic assistance: one of
the greatest barriers that exist for survivors when they attempt leaving
is lack of financial resources.
- Seek career counseling.
Attempt to assess what is happening
to any children.
- You are a mandated reporter if you are aware of child
abuse.
- Advise the survivor that you are a mandated reporter.
- Concern for the welfare of the children can motivate
the survivor to action.
Continue to support the survivor.
- Don't just give resources and exit the scene.
- Stay in touch in a way that assures safety to both of
you.
- Give the survivor the gift of time and be prepared for
frustration. Survivors need time to sort through a lot of religious,
social, emotional and economic issues. They need your time, patience
and support to help rebuild self esteem and self-confidence.
Assure confidentiality.
- Do not discuss circumstances with anyone else unless
the survivor consents.
- Do not confront the abuser: any information must be
considered confidential. Confrontation by untrained practitioners may
endanger survivors and children or others. It should be avoided. If
undertaken, it should be done under the advisement and guidance of experts
who work with batterers.
Options to consider if the survivor feels she or
he must forgive the abuser.
- Respectfully suggest that if the abuse is ongoing it
means the abuser has not repented and that therefore forgiveness may
not be appropriate.
- Suggest that forgiveness is the end, not the beginning
of the healing process. There are times that the survivor may need to
be able to forgive in order to heal.
- Suggest that forgiveness is up to God, not up to the
victim.
- "I know and care about both of you, but I cannot
condone this violent behavior towards you".
- To forgive does not mean to forget.
Avoid:
- Don't say things that suggest you are questioning the
validity of what you are being told such as, "I can't imagine (name
of partner) behaving that way." This assigns guilt to the wrong
person, the survivor, and implies you do not believe what you are being
told.
- Never say anything that suggests an accusation: "Did
you do something to cause this?" or anything else that suggests
the survivor can be blamed for the abuse.
- Saying words such as "Keep praying" or "Keep
the commandments and things will be o.k.," or "Just accept
Jesus Christ as your Savior and happiness will come." Phrases such
as these that are not helpful, tend to put the survivor in a victim
position and contribute to powerlessness.
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