Introduction

Manual Overview

BOOK I: Faith Community Curriculum for Clergy and Lay Leaders

BOOK II: Family Violence: Helping Survivors and Abusers – A Manual for Faith Communities
Purpose
Definitions
Survivors:
   - Characteristics
   - Indicators of Abuse
   - Actions to Consider
   - Safety Concerns
   - Crisis Counseling and
      Spiritual Support
   - Asking a question:
      Is your partner hurting you?
Abusers (batterers):
   - Understanding Abusers
   - Interventions
   - Treatment
   - Safety Issues
   - Use of Scripture
Marriage and Relationship:
Understanding Scripture Intent
Marriage Preparation:
   - Key Elements
   - Early Warning Signs
   - I Corinthians 13
Supportive background materials:
   - ABC's of Men Who Batter
   - Abuser Quotes
   - Myths About Abusers
   - Self-Assessment Tool
   - Alexandra House Safety Plan
   - Checklist - What to take
     when you leave
Minnesota Metro
Community Resources
Sources and Acknowledgments

BOOK III: Pastor’s Packet: Family Violence Awareness Materials for Pastors

BOOK IV: Curriculum for Laity

Appendix

Interventions

These interventions were adapted from a tool developed by EMERGE, 2380 Massachusetts Avenue, Cambridge, MA, 02140. Reprinted with permission from EMERGE.

Most often, the prime objective with abusers is for the abuser to take responsibility for abusive behavior and to enter a treatment program. Maintain confidentiality: do not discuss with the abuser what the survivor has shared with you.

Principles to apply if you meet with an abuser:

• Define violence broadly. The individual doing the battering may not believe that certain behaviors are violent. This includes acts such as pushing, hair pulling and threats along with punches and choking, etc.
• Be direct.
• Focus on the abusive conduct and its effect on the survivor, not on the perpetrator's explanations and rationalizations.
• Make a statement that indicates the choice to hurt another physically, sexually or emotionally is just that, a choice, and that to choose to do so is unhealthy and an unhealthy practice in terms of spirituality.
• Discuss options to determine willingness and availability for treatment and make
• If the abuser becomes aggressive or threatening (depending on the behavior), protect yourself, seek law enforcement intervention, or other protective acts.
• Advise the abuser that you will maintain confidentiality unless you become aware that the partner or children are in jeopardy and/or if you learn that child abuse is occurring, which you are required by law to report to child protection services.

If the abusive person confronts you:

• Do not be manipulated or misled by the excuses you are given. Be aware that your personal safety is of the highest priority. If you feel you are at risk, do not continue the discussion.
• Do not allow the individual to minimize, deny or blame anyone else for his or her actions. A typical response might be "I didn't hit her that hard."

Their rationalized explanations include:

• Minimizing
• Citing good intentions
• Blaming alcohol or drugs for the behavior (which gives permission for the behavior when not drinking)
• Claiming loss of control
• Blaming the survivor
• Blaming someone or something else (work, upbringing, stress or pressure)

Ask specific, concrete questions that not only get to the specifics of the relationship but define violence. "How many times have you hit your partner?" "Have you ever choked your partner?" or "Have you pushed her?" "Have you ever pulled your partner's hair?" "Have you ever taken the car keys? Damaged property? Insulted family and friends? Made accusations of infidelity?"

Obtain some historical information in relationship to the battering including asking the following questions:

• "How often do these incidents of battering occur?"
• "What is the most serious incident of abuse?
• "How do you discipline the children?"
• "How do you typically resolve disagreements?"

The abuser may have a long history of violence in his or her family of origin and will need help seeing the behavior as being violent and unacceptable. This should be a learning process to effect change and NOT an exercise in finding excuses for the violent behavior.

Remorse, repentance and responsibility

Remorse, deep, painful regret for wrongdoing or repentance, is frequently expressed by batterers. If there is remorse, accept it, but do not give unconditional forgiveness. Instead, listen carefully to words used: is the abuser accepting responsibility for his or her own actions? True acceptance of responsibility can be manifested by the abuser taking steps to change behavior. This can include enrolling in a batterer's program, seeking counseling and substance abuse treatment, finding help for the behavior, and ultimately stopping it. Note: these can also be tactics of control in themselves because, for example, they know their partner will stay with them if they attend a program.

Repentance, when found in both the Hebrew and Greek references, very clearly refers to turning around, a change of self: "Repent and turn from all your transgressions...Get yourselves a new heart and a new spirit!...Turn, then, and live." (Ezekiel 18:30-32) This is the kind of total change that is necessary for an abuser to stop the abusive behavior.

Use "supportive confrontation:" identify violence as a problem and challenge the ways the individual minimizes or denies responsibility for it. Point out that violence is not a sickness but a learned behavior that can be unlearned. Help the person to see how self-defeating the violence is, how it damages the family long term. Use this to help the person see the need for change.

Other suggested phrases:

• "Violence is never justified and it always makes matters worse."
• "You can only control yourself, not others."
• "Seek compassion for others, especially your loved ones."
• "This is your journey; be attentive to the legacy you will leave for your family and children. Abuse is generational."

Marriage counseling

The immediate goal is not to save the marriage but to stop the violence. When one person abuses another, the marriage covenant has already been broken (as discussed in the teaching video, "Broken Vows" (See video ordering information) .

Marriage counseling in a battering relationship is highly questionable. If the violence has completely stopped, the partner and family are no longer fearful, the batterer has successfully completed a program, and both want to work on their relationship, it may be appropriate.

Spiritual support

There are times when it is appropriate and important to serve as spiritual advisor to a batterer. When this occurs, there are key principles to apply:

• The batterer must always be held accountable for abusive behaviors and be told that physical, sexual and emotional abuse is unacceptable.
• It is always appropriate to provide spiritual support. Helpful interventions that can be provided include praying and using the Bible and other materials which provide guidance on respectful, peaceful relationships.
• As in any circumstance of conflict, the spiritual counselor must limit his or her ministry within the boundaries of that role, and be careful not to step out of those limits. Issues relating to legalities and psychological issues, for example, are usually best left to attorneys and psychologists. Accountability for battering behavior is usually best addressed in batterers' treatment programs.
• A miraculous, sudden change of heart that has occurred with the abuser claiming total healing from the abusive behaviors, yet lacks commitment to a long-term treatment program - is most likely to be short-lived.