Introduction

Manual Overview

BOOK I: Faith Community Curriculum for Clergy and Lay Leaders

BOOK II: Family Violence: Helping Survivors and Abusers – A Manual for Faith Communities
Purpose
Definitions
Survivors:
   - Characteristics
   - Indicators of Abuse
   - Actions to Consider
   - Safety Concerns
   - Crisis Counseling and
      Spiritual Support
   - Asking a question:
      Is your partner hurting you?
Abusers (batterers):
   - Understanding Abusers
   - Interventions
   - Treatment
   - Safety Issues
   - Use of Scripture
Marriage and Relationship:
Understanding Scripture Intent
Marriage Preparation:
   - Key Elements
   - Early Warning Signs
   - I Corinthians 13
Supportive background materials:
   - ABC's of Men Who Batter
   - Abuser Quotes
   - Myths About Abusers
   - Self-Assessment Tool
   - Alexandra House Safety Plan
   - Checklist - What to take
     when you leave
Minnesota Metro
Community Resources
Sources and Acknowledgments

BOOK III: Pastor’s Packet: Family Violence Awareness Materials for Pastors

BOOK IV: Curriculum for Laity

Appendix

Asking a question: Is your partner hurting you?

Ask questions if you have concerns that parishioners are being physically, sexually or emotionally abused by an intimate partner, caretaker or someone important to them.

If you have reason to suspect that a parishioner who has come to you for counseling, or approached you in some way for support, may be being abused at home, it is very helpful if you ask the person if this is happening. It is appropriate to consider this question in many cases of troubled people who seek help from their clergy.

A simple, thoughtful, respectful question, gently posed in a soft tone of voice may elicit acknowledgment of a host of problems and concerns that the individual has been hiding and struggling with. Remember that abuse can be physical, sexual or emotional.

Elders and disabled
Remember, too, that elders and the disabled are also abused and are particularly vulnerable to inappropriate treatment. Consider asking them a question if you have concerns. Besides physical, sexual and emotional abuse, this population is also neglected and financially abused.

Ask in a manner that is:

• Nonjudgmental
• Accepting
• Objective
• Caring

Suggested questions
Use language that is specific so the individual knows what you are asking.

• Do you have any concerns about your relationship?
• We all have disagreements at home. What happens when you and your partner fight or disagree?
• How do you and your partner resolve conflict?
• Does your partner prevent you from seeing friends and family?
• Does your partner make all of the decisions?
• Does your partner constantly put you down? Call you names? Say you are stupid, incompetent, a poor parent, fat, ugly?
• Has your partner ever pushed you, slapped you, punched you?
• Do you ever feel as though you are walking on eggshells in your relationship?
• Are you afraid of your partner or caretaker?
• Does your caretaker take your money?
• Are you denied access to medical care?
• Has your partner ever threatened to hurt a pet, friends or family members?
• Has your partner ever threatened or abused your children?
• Has you partner ever destroyed things that you cared about?
• Has your partner ever forced you to have sex when you didn't want to?
• Does your partner mercilessly accuse you of infidelity?

Suggested responses when someone discloses abuse

• Listen and believe
• Listen with concern, objectivity, openness.
• Accept the information given you without question.
• Allow the person to confide at their pace, don't force the issue.
• Never blame the survivor or underestimate fear of potential danger.

Do not give advice. Do offer choices such as the suggestions below

• Consider the possibility of leaving the relationship
• Call a domestic abuse crisis hot line to discuss options (these agencies offer free, confidential choices with no strings).
• Call police and get a restraining order.
• Focus on the survivor's right to make decisions.

When the survivor is the target of frustration, the survivor is re-victimized.

• Make affirming, supportive, validating statements (see Actions to consider)
• You did not cause the abuse, it is not your fault.
• You do not deserve to be treated this way. It is wrong.
• Caring about someone means being respectful, not misuse of power in words & actions.
• You are not alone, there are people out there who can help you.
• Do express concern for their safety when that is a factor.

Support the choices the survivor makes

It is difficult to see a person stay in a situation where she or he is getting hurt. However, that person has the right to make that choice. It is also important to recognize that even when people leave, the abuse does not end.

If you feel angry or frustrated, remember...

• Anger and frustration is more appropriately directed towards the abuser.
• You may need to give yourself permission to step back.
• Recognize your limitations to help when abuse is happening to a competent adult.
• Don't blame the survivor for decisions that person needs to make.

When the violence is bad, why doesn't she or he just leave?

For most people in any situation, ending a relationship is not easy. Often, someone in a battering relationship has strong emotional ties to the partner; they don't want the relationship to end, they just want the violence to stop. There are numerous financial, social, familial, emotional and other pressures that make leaving difficult. Sometimes leaving is a significant risk to the survivor and sometimes the children.

Remember: leaving does not necessarily end the abuse!

Encourage to Change

"My belief is that women turn first to ministers and members of the medical profession when they decide to disclose episodes of domestic violence. They need to understand that even if a victim does not have any broken bones or bruises, she still could be experiencing abuse. There is psychological and sexual abuse in so many marriages. Clergy shouldn't ask a victim why she's staying in an abusive marriage. Pastors need to also realize that there are many men sitting in the pews of their churches who go home after the service and abuse their wives."   – Survivor