| Understanding
Abusers
Abusers (Batterers)
A violent act is the responsibility of the violent person...not
the survivor.
There is a secret in faith communities. Many individuals are abusing their
partners and children. Abusers may be leaders in the church, successful
in business or as professionals, as well as blue collar workers or the
poor. For generations this issue has long been kept behind closed doors
and drawn curtains. Abusers traditionally have not been held accountable
for their abuse. The entire community needs to accept responsibility in
eliminating family violence and recognize opportunities to make peace.
Clergy and their faith communities are
vital places to do this good work. They need to:
- make their communities a safe place where survivors can
seek help;
- facilitate survivor connections with family violence
(domestic abuse) advocates;
- hold perpetrators accountable for their actions;
- make zero tolerance for violence a credo in their communities;
and
- seek opportunities to educate for purposes of awareness
and prevention.
Battering is a learned behavior.
Battering in intimate relationships is difficult to stop because
often perpetrators have learned to use violence as a way of managing every
day stress and frustration. Sometimes this has taken the form of bullying
other children or adults. This behavior may have been life long. Frequently,
they have been violent throughout their relationships with their partners.
They have unrealistic expectations of themselves and their partners.
A strong faith does not prevent battering.
Abuse in intimate relationships occurs when there is lack of
understanding what it means to respond to the love of another as well
as a fundamental lack of compassion. Both scripture and faith communities
have been used to accept or condone violence in relationships. These same
resources can also provide restraints against violence and define healthy,
safe relationships. It takes much more than faith to prevent abuse. It
requires acknowledgment of wrongdoing on the part of the perpetrator and
a sincere desire and effort to change.
Proverbs 15:8-10. The sacrifice of the wicked is an abomination
for the Lord, but the prayer of the upright is his delight. The way of
the wicked is an abomination to the Lord, but he loves the one who pursues
righteousness. There is severe discipline for one who forsakes the way,
but one who hates a rebuke will die. (Revised Standard Version)
Understanding abusers
(See ABC's of Men Who Batter; Abusers
quotes; and Myths)
Abusers are sometimes extremely dependent on their partners for their
sense of self-worth and a sense of control over their lives.
Many may believe "only sick, evil people are abusive."
On the contrary, abusers usually appear to lead typical lives in most
aspects, except they believe they are entitled to use violence and abuse
to control the lives of their partners and families. They believe they
have a right to abuse. They control others with violence to relieve tension
and solve problems. They do not recognize their behavior as being violent.
Often, these unacceptable behaviors are not challenged by society.
Abuser characteristics
- Anyone They come from every walk
and socioeconomic level of life. Battering occurs in heterosexual and
homosexual relationships. Adult children as well as teen-aged children
batter their parents.
- Self-esteem issues They may display
over-inflated self-esteem while portraying themselves as having no fault.
They minimize the impact of their actions on others and blame others
for their actions.
- A sense of vulnerability and powerlessness
They often attempt to control others to maintain or gain power in relationships.
- A tendency towards mental health disorders
They may have other issues in their lives such as depression, anxiety
or other severe and persistent mental health disorders.
- Vulnerability to chemical abuse
Batterers may cope with their stress by self-medicating with excessive
drinking, smoking, or use of legal or illegal drugs.
Male abusers
- Male batterers tend to hold traditional beliefs regarding
male supremacy and stereotyped masculine sex roles.
- Some theorists state that male abusers believe they
are less than they ought to be and that they do not live up to society's
ideal of masculinity.
Female abusers
While statistics show that 95% of physical abuse is males battering females,
men are also sometimes physically and emotionally abused by women.
Behaviors:
- Use of charm as a manipulative technique towards their
partners
- Poor impulse control or explosive temper
- They may use anger to justify abuse when (for example)
the partner calls her mother "too often" or forgot to take
the car in for servicing
- Have limited tolerance for frustration and severe reactions
to stress
- Often presents a dual personality: at times loving and
other times violent
- Have difficulty or are reluctant in acknowledging or
describing feelings
- Controlling: threatened when not in charge of the decision-making
process
Relationships - Abusers
- Have overly dependent relationships with their victims
- Regard their partners and children as property
- Are excessively jealous, possessive and controlling
- Fear abandonment by their partner
- Do not usually use violence at work, illustrating that
both acts of violence and control of impulses are choices that abusers
can and do make, depending on the situation
Beliefs held by some abusers
- They may believe the myths about domestic violence.
These myths include:
- The victim can learn to stop doing that activity which
provokes the batterer to escalate to violent behavior.
- Alcohol, stress and mental illness are major causes
of physical and verbal abuse.
- Survivors tacitly accept the abuse by trying to conceal
it, not by reporting it, or by failing to seek help.
Their violent behavior should not have negative
consequences.
- They deny and minimize their violent behavior. They
typically deny the abuse is happening, insist it happens rarely or simply
lie about it.
- They also believe that the partner or circumstances
are to blame for the abusive behavior, they refuse to accept responsibility
themselves.
Recognizing a potentially abusive relationship
- A partner who has to make secret appointments with you
- When together, one partner is consistently deferential
to the other
- When together, one partner seems to be fearful or insecure
- Exhibits one or more of the characteristics described
in the previous pages
- A person who makes shame-based statements related to
violent behaviors blaming the partner for the problem and implying the
partner (survivor) needs to fix it.
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