Creating a Safe Place - Book 4 – Part 1-B: Elements and Dynamics of Domestic Abuse

State: "Domestic abuse is power and control of one person over another and the use of violence or threat of violence to control another. It results in low self-esteem and belief that the survivor is the reason for the abuse."

Another definition to consider:
Battering is the establishment of control and fear in a relationship through violence and other forms of abuse. The batterer uses acts of violence and a series of behaviors, including intimidation, threats, psychological abuse, and isolation to coerce and control the other person. The violence may not happen often, but it remains as a hidden (and constant) terrorizing fact. (Uniform Crime Reports, Federal Bureau of Investigation, 1990)
Power and control wheel with spiritual abuse wedge

Refer participants to handout and explain the wheel.

State: "The power and control wheel was developed in Duluth, Minnesota, and is used all over the world to help people understand the dynamics that go into abusive relationships. The center of the wheel symbolizes the center driving force of the problem: power and control. The various elements of emotional abuse are held together by sexual and physical violence. While all abused persons are emotionally abused, not everyone is physically or sexually abused."

Involve participants in the discussion by asking with each component:

Ask participants

"What would be an example of... (Spiritual abuse?, Emotional abuse?, etc.)"
Follow up their input with examples. Following are examples of each component:

Spiritual abuse

Preventing the partner from going to church or practicing a religious faith
Quoting scripture to manipulate the partner
Using a position of authority in the church to keep the partner quiet
Saying God does not care for her or him
Telling the children that mom or dad's religion is phony or fake
Saying he or she would stop the violence if she/he would be more submissive
Bringing up past sins
Saying the partner is not a good Christian/Jew/Muslim
Controlling the amount of money donated to the faith community

Emotional abuse

"You are stupid, ugly, fat, a bad mother, a horrible housekeeper."
"You're lucky to have me, no one else would have you."
"I didn't ask for pork I asked for beef. You bitch, you can't do anything right."
Frequent cursing of partner, use of crude, demeaning words

Isolation

Moving out into the country
"I don't like your mother, she's an idiot, let's just you and I be together."
"That friend of yours is a whore, I don't want you to see her."
"I just want to spend as much time with just you, I love you so much."

Minimizing, denying, blaming

"If you weren't such a lousy mother the kids wouldn't be such idiots."
"What is your problem? I didn't hit you that hard. Don't make a big deal out of it."
"I didn't push you, you fell into that cupboard, as usual you're making things up."
"You are a real nut case."

Using children

"You leave and you'll never see the kids again."
"No court in the land would give you the children, you're such a bad mother."
Telling the children to hit, spit on or ignore the survivor
Not allowing the children to talk to or be near the survivor

Using "privilege"

Being in charge, making all the decisions
Refer to the equality wheel to describe opposite behaviors

Economic abuse

Giving an unrealistically small allowance for household needs
One woman made $100,000 a year, her husband was a house husband who had total control over the money. When she left she had nothing.

Coercion, threats AND using intimidation

Killing family pets. "One batterer called his wife in the hospital saying he wanted her home. She stayed one more day and when she got home, her dog was gone. Her husband had had it put to death."
Smashes fists into walls, breaking windows/doors
Threatens to commit suicide, takes a gun out and threatens her or the kids
Lesbian or gay relationship: threatens to "out" or reveal the survivors' sexual preference to people who do not know such as parents or coworkers

Make note of the equality wheel.

State: "Sometimes when I talk about power and control, some individuals begin to look at their own relationship. The distinction is that power and control is the driving element in an abusive relationship. The equality wheel illustrates healthy relationships."

Understanding issues related to seeking help: why people stay

"Have you ever"... exercise

Read each of the questions, asking the audience to respond by raising their hands or to simply privately reflect about their responses.

Ask for discussion and participant reaction.

State: "What parallels do you see in these questions to people staying in relationships that are unhealthy and abusive?"