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Listening
Listening well is a gift you give someone – possibly
allowing them to move from confusion to control, from fear to love. Listening
skills can determine the health of relationships. Listening can be a greater
service than speaking. Listening helps the speaker clarify his or her
thoughts. Good listening encourages the speaker to continue talking. Only
as the speaker continues does the conversation head toward root issues.
Active listening:
1. is hard work
- requiring concentration, energy and our full attention
- where the act of hearing is physical, the art of listening
is mental and requires effort! (one mouth versus 2 ears)
2. shows respect (in contrast to being
phony or manipulative)
3. affirms people. When we listen we invite another person
to exist. Jesus did this often. In Mark 10, he was surrounded by a huge
crowd as he left Jericho. Yet, when he heard a blind beggar calling out
to him, Scripture says, “Jesus stopped.” He called Bartiamaeus
to himself and listened to him.
4. conveys a sense of caring and trust. It provides the
speaker a feeling of safety and of not being hurried, so the speaker is
more likely to express what is really going on within them.
5. is flexible and tolerant of other viewpoints
- resisting the urge to judge and offer opinions
since well-meant responses may cut the person off and make them feel
worse, as if they are not important enough to be heard.
- without redirecting the conversation by changing the
subject to yourself (the listener) or to something unrelated.
– This demonstrates that instead of concentrating on what is being
said, we are too preoccupied. In Proverbs 18:13 we read, “he who
answers before listening – that is his folly and shame”.
– Such mistakes are costly because they leave the questioner feeling
misunderstood and apprehensive.
6. eliminates or reduces distractions if possible. We demonstrate
our attention (or inattention) with feedback by:
- making comments
- offering evaluations
- asking open ended questions, as opposed to “Yes”
or “No” questions
- reflecting what the speaker has said or is feeling in
your own words (*continue to find ways that feel more natural for you
to respond with)- Reflective listening is one of the most powerful ways
of providing feedback, according to John A. Jones, University of Illinois
communications professor.
- expressing our understanding (or lack of it)
Body language plays a large part in good listening.
Examples include
- consistent eye contact powerfully conveys our
attention
- how close physically we are to the other person
- an empathetic facial expression shows we understand
- our gestures
- our utterances such as “Hmm, uh-huh, ohhhh”
may seem silly but actually tell the person we’re really listening.
We may not listen well if we
are fatigued, distracted because of lack of interest
or selfabsorption, our own worries, or a hectic schedule. However,
we NEED TO TUNE IN and GIVE OUR FULL ATTENTION IF:
- there is emotional intensity (positive or negative).
Good listening often defuses the emotions that are a part of the problem
being discussed. Sometimes releasing these emotions is all that is needed
to solve the problem. The speaker may neither want nor expect us to
say anything in response.
- there is a request to talk
- if they speak of a problem, a concern, or are feeling
confused about something.
We strengthen each other through good listening.
We seem to tolerate stress and pressure better if someone else knows what
we are enduring.
The person you are listening to will experience grace
and love most
- through others who are there to listen
- from those who seek to understand them first along
with their needs.
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